and afterall you're my wonderwall
Its funny how I am happiest when I am at work, even when things are hectic and I cannot wait to get out of the office... I like to be "at work" to be doing something tangeably productive...
I guess I also like professional realtionships... I have always like work friends as the boundaries are usually pretty nice and neat... there is less room for dissapointment as long as you are professional and do your job well... surely I have days where I don't feel appriciated or even liked or noticed at work, but they are sparse and don't matter to me... its not the same feelings you get when you think your friends are dissapointed in you or want something you cannot seem to put your finger on let alone give to them....
I was given keys to the office on friday and I went in today while it was empty and just filed for 5 hours with my music on in my sweat clothes... it was very cathartic... I know that sounds crazy, but its cathartic in the same way cleaning can be for me... feeling like I am organizing my life... if I can't seem to fix it, I can at least make it more organized... controlled chaos is my motto I suppose....
I keep listening to the ever so amazing cover of wonderwall that Ryan Adams does on his love is hell part 1 cd... it could put me to bed...
Stupid facebook; an old friend messaged me today and asked what the hell happened, you look so different! she of course prefaced it with an "in a good way", but I was still taken off gaurd... I simply replied with my usual... "I grew up, thats what happened" and laughed nervously... we all look different than we did in 8th grade!
I have moved so many times and started over so many times that I feel as though no one really has a whole understanding of who I am, not even me... and maybe I like that, maybe I should go back to keeping my distance from people... when you try and explain yourself and fall pitifully short its far more painful and exposing than just keeping your mouth shut in the first place...
We flatter ourselves into thinking we are deeper or more conviluded than we really are... I am just talking on into empty space and I don't like to hear it place back to me in echos...
I am homesick for the idea of home again... I am homesick for an idealized version of a family that I don't have... I just need what we all need... to feel like I am loved and safe...
I have felt really apart from that everr illusive "drew family" that I had idealized in my head too... its funny because I know its just an ideal I have... and imaginary bond of something that really is nothing more than transient people on the same path... I am guilty of not taking my own advice that I have dolled out countless times to christine about how people's paths are only ocnvirging here in college and that our lives are not here, but in the future...
I have been a paranoid person lately, feeling constantly disliked and ignored by people, when I know I am just as guilty of doing the ignoring, or rather self isolation...
I am just wasting up time again haha.... I think I want to go get coffee... which has become my daily activity in times of frustration... I need to replace the coffee with the gym again... its better for me in the long run and perhaps I will feel less excessive then... when I feel any negative emotion it is acompanied with an overwhelming feeling of being excessive... of wanting to be less noticeable, less needy, less of whatever it is that I am... haha I am spewing on about feeling naked and over-talked and here I am stripping down to my birthday suit wasting space and words again...
I shoot myself in the foot repeatedly... making it impossible to outrun the past...