guilt and blame.... muck
It�s such a strange crux in life when you finally begin to feel like a person, a whole person, and individual� you have gone on for so long fooling yourself into thinking that you were an adult who was living and moving towards self-fulfillment. Then one day you realize that you were really living for other people, living for imaginary standards of achievement, living with baggage that was too heavy to run with, and just plain living with guilt, blame, and pointing fingers at everyone but yourself. It seems paradoxical to say that you are living for other people and at the same time acknowledge that you have been victimizing yourself� I suppose that somewhere inside I have always tried to be the martyr. I have been consciously looking at all this and cultivating a future and a self for a long time, but there are many distractions in life. Sometimes it takes �dropping out of life� to find a real life. I always felt that I had to have a plan and a calling, but really I know that we are (hopefully) constantly growing and it would be futile to try and adhere to a plan or to categorize ourselves in any way.
As children we are indelibly shaped by our parents and our surroundings and for some people it�s easier to let go of these formative shackles than it is for others. I am of the latter two types of people, my family has always been incredibly important to me, but I also let it become destructive. It all really just boils down to the fact that I let myself fall into the cycle of guilt and martyrdom; no one forced me to respond to situations as I have. Things happen, people are all flawed, no one is perfect and often we feel victimized and hurt by others and happenstance when we are the only person standing in the way of our own happiness. I have said this all before I am sure, but it had never really sunk in deep enough to truly affect my outlook on life until now.
I have always been an exceptionally eager to please human being. I wanted nothing more than validation, acclaim and acceptance from other people and when I did not receive this impossible ideal I grew bitter, guilty and dejected. No measure of outside acceptance can possibly outshine one�s own self acceptance. No measure of placing blame on others or victimizing oneself will ever make your insecurities and emotions any more valid. We all struggle with this, I am not unique in my trials and tribulations; even though my life and my history is uniquely mine, as is the body and the brain I inhabit, this does not mark me as fundamentally different from anyone else, it is simply my personality. We are all unique, I am in no way trying to undermine that, but we are unique in our talents and personalities, not in our flaws or self doubts.
For some people they accept their own faults first and then begin to forgive others and for other people they start the process in reverse by exploring their relationships with others and their past. Once again I am of the latter two types of people. I grew up trying to please both my parents because they were separate entities. My mother was fragile and neurotic and my dad was pretty darn secure in himself and seemed aloof to a child. I just wanted them both to have the ideal vision of me� as I still tend to do in my personal and professional life, I want everyone to see me living up to their expectations and being who they want me to be, but this way of living leaves no room for an identity, a self or happiness. I am not saying that my need to make people happy is not sincere, I do sincerely love to make people proud, but at the same time no degree of outer acceptance will ever make up for my own self-doubt; that is unless I say screw it and give up the self doubt and the guilt. I hate feeling selfish- I wish I could be utterly selfless, but that is impossible�. I would have no self�.
I have to accept my �childish� wants and dreams and realize that maybe they are not counterproductive and selfish at all, but utterly necessary in my journey to becoming a better person.
I digress, now back to forgiving people. I finally feel like I can see my parents for who they are and severe my own identity from that of theirs. It�s a scary thing to do actually, to negate the only archetypes most children unconditionally have whilst growing up, but its necessary in order to grow up and to not make the same �mistakes� as your parents. It seems pretty bleak that most of us spend our young adult lives trying to distinctly carve out our own niche in an attempt to not be our parents and then one day we wake up and realize that we have all the same neurosis as them and we are bound to repeat the past if we don�t simply forgive them for their mistakes.
My parents, like myself are not the same people that I grew up with, nor will any of us (hopefully) remain stagnant from here on out. For those of us with divorced parents or parents who simply don�t like each other, this introduces another facet to the struggle. We inevitably get stuck in-between two adults who are hurting and angry As a result most of us will try to please both parents and constantly feel guilt over �betraying� one parent; we will be told that we are playing up to each parent or that we are just like the other parent in times of anger�. We will grow up feeling blame, guilt and anger that we try to cover up with hollow achievements and an outwardly selfless persona. In the end, for me at least I know that I have to completely separate myself and my self image from that of my parents. I just had one of the most honest and �adult� conversations with my father that I think I ever had, and believe me there is so much more territory to cover with both my parents, but in the end I don�t need them to fully understand me or even like what decisions I make in life, because I am doing it for me. I see so many admirable and good things in my dad and my mom that get clouded over by the childish feelings of abandonment, blame, guilt and pride. I realize that by admitting and basically ignoring their flaws it allows me to drop the martyr act and hopefully allow myself to cultivate a set of flaws that are uniquely mine. There is so much muck in my head, years and years of muck that I have tried and tried to justify and analyze, but really I just want to accept the muck as it is and move on to making new muck! I get myself into trouble by being a thinker and an introspective person, but I also feel like I am in fact a very intelligent and level headed human being despite all of my regrets, stupidity, and flaws. I feel like I can accept others for how they are� I have always been accepting, but deep inside I am a critical person and I hate that about myself, but by acknowledging what I hate I can let it go� I am ready to not be so critical, both of myself and of others, because it is a waste of life� guilt and blame are the most useless of emotions and it took total chaos and complete emotional burnout to reach this realization, but I feel optimistic and relaxed, like some puzzle that I was always able to see is now becoming lucid.