Mt. Kilamangaro
Tonight I went with my mum to the NOLS Dallas reunion and to hear their speaker... Steve Gorrel... Steve holds a very special place in my heart, he is like an uncle to me and was very much in love with my mum. I was nervous about going to his presentation on his recent summit of Kilamangaro on his 50th birthday, but at the end of the night I was filled with so much love and gratefullness for the amazing people that have been a part of my life and for the wonderful opportunities I have had. Sometimes I feel like a failure for having done so many different things, for having so many interests, but never really just sticking with one... but you know what, I am an experimenter and an excited human being, so I think I would be bored and unhappy if I weren't constantly trying new things and changing... its not like I can never go back to something. I have been so fortunate to do the things I have done and sometimes I beat myself up over that too, I feel unworthy of whatever good things have come my way, but instead of feeling guilty I just want to be grateful and I do know that I put a lot of effort and of myself into these endeavours and each experience is part of who I am. I went into college really missing the free spirit, backwoods persona that I had adapted during highschool; I had a lot of growing to do though and still do, but I negated that side of me for fear that I would never go back to academia if I didn't put my nose to the grindstone and just do it! There is always a conflict of interest with me because I feel like I have to be 110% all the time, but I love so many things that there simply is no human possibility of doing them all to that degree... and I think I am coming to terms with that. I really want to take a chance and just go for my dreams... I worry about the people in life that I love and leaving them behind, but I never really leave anyone behind... each and every person has affected who I am and the memory of them will be with me always, I hadn't seen Steve in almost 3 years and just to hear his gravely voice and a big bear hug totally rejuvinated me because it brought back memories and a part of myself that I have negated for a long time. I fear every day that Drew people will forget about me or that my mum will feel abandoned again a freak out when I do go my own way, but I know that I will always love these people and wherever we all end up, there will always be memories and moments where we reconviene and remember who we were and what wonderful things we have shared.
I got two job offers at the reunion... one in Patagonia Argentina and the other in Baja Mexico... both at NOLS branches, the Baja one is for a bilingual acconting manager and the Patagonia one is in outfitting and rationing for expeditions... I really am going to think on both and talk to my dad and mum about them and I deep down know it would be an amazing experience... I want so much to go to south america and use my spanish and go back to a simpler existance for a while; whenever I am out in the wilderness I appriciate home so much more when I return and I also just feel whole... I feel somewhat whole when I am doing art or taking care of people or doing academic stuff, but I get bogged down so easily by the complexity of life and by other people and societies perception and expectations of me... in the more remote areas of the world where I am out pushing myself and not overthinking things I just feel free... like every few years, if not every year, I need to go do that, go get away from the rest of the world and just be myself- I am a solitary person, but I love people... its an interesting dichotomy that can get me into trouble. I sometimes forget that I don't have to limit myself and follow a pre-planned course, thats what my mum does, she limits herself and is so preoccupied with logistics, finances, and anxiety that she is almost responsible to a fault... and thats where I see myself headed if I don't just say screw it and go do what I want to... I have always tried to be quite responsilbe and palateable in every way that I began to rebel against myself... I began to self destruct in a desperate attempt to rebel or something... I know thats an oversimplification, but I have often felt trapped and resentful towards the world etc, but in the end I am the only one standing in my way... every feeling I have is solidified by me and every thing I do might not be perfect or "right" but it brings me somewhere new with new knowledge and wisdom... I really want to go back out on a limb and just for the first time go back and do these things again with my new found self-knowledge and desire to continue to grow as a person... I used to climb mountains for me, but also there was a side of me doing it to prove to the world that i could.... now I want to go climb mountains, or maybe not even, but go out and do what I dream of, not to prove that I can, but because I want to!
I cannot possibly explain the feelings that I harbor about life or how seeing Steve has evoked a part of me that I have put into hibernation, but I can say that I am a completely different person than I used to be... and I am always changing and always trying new things and I never ever want to loose sight of that... even all the bad decisions and stupidity in my life has brought me here, and while here is far from perfect it is a stepping stone to there and it is who I am, not who I have to remain... I just feel ready to start and take some more chances and see where I go with my life... I feel tired and peaceful and ready to go to sleep and stop thinking about all this right now, because there is no one solution to any problem... especially when the problem is really just life ha ha!