Invisible cracks

Today was interesting...
I woke up at 6am to snow and drove to work which was good albiet insanely crazy... imagine medical records exploding everwhere with a supposed system and the doctors freaking out because a chart is missing and the patient has been sitting in the waiting room forever! In between helping to open and sort the bloodwork etc into charts I am supposed to help scan and organize documents for the cross over to didigtal records haha very little of this is plausable during office hours, they are porbably going to give me a key and have me come in saturdays in a couple weeks to just do the digital crossover on my own without all the crazyness of office hours.
Its really sad to have to run around the office and run into patients who just look at the floor embarassed and edgey... it really makes me want to stop my stupid clerical job and go give each of them a hug and tell them not to look at the floor, that I dont bite... I surely picked the best office in the world to work at for someone who gets upset when anyone even uses the thre letter f* word... rolls eyes

Speaking of which, I talked to Jakemiester today and it made me sad, mum is stressing him out (I caved and wrote her an apologetic, yet still removed email) and he is having problems with a kid in his class bullying him... which has never been an issue for Jake as he is an amazing kid who makes friends with everyone... This kid is not well liked by anyone so its not a big deal for Jake, he was just hurt as any kid would be by the things he said... despite the fact that the whole grade has Jake's back haha... we talked about it and I wanted to go home and hug him and tell this little twit Travis that he is shooting himself in the foot by being such a jerk- its not going to make him cool or liked, its going to make him hated and hollow... alas I don't think he would get it anyways and I might get put in jail...
I was thinking today at work and then talking to Jake about how terrible our society is... and by society I mean just people in general... even if you profess not to people judge others primarily on a superficial basis. Its amazing to me how cruel people can be to others based solely on their appearance and by how easy it is to get sucked in because the reality is that you are treated differently if you are considered attractive.
In acting class today (which was also intense and went on for 3 hours) we had to all tell each other something really crucial to who we are in pairs... a situation or an event mostly that has changed us and then re-tell it etc. lots of acting stuff... but anyways one of the people I was paired up with was Ben Weisman who i havent really talked to since freshman year and he talked about his medical condition and having to wear a back brace up until highschool and then moving and getting to start anew at a new school without a brace and trying to outrun who he really was... I choked back tears the whole time, because we talked about the fear of doctors and what it was like to be a kid who was always sick and also because he has such clarity and a good heart at this point in his life...
I was just really thinking all day about how differently people treat me now as an adult than they ever did growing up... it almost makes me want to scream haha. I was at frisbee and Jen who has the most amazing intentions and is such a wonderful person kept telling me how cute I am all night, as did Kaity etc. and it just kinda made me self concious, like okay thats all you have to say about me, that I am cute... i felt like people are just watching me and judging me from the outside... even Pete did it at the gym the other night, I was told I was looking great or whatever, and I wanted to tell him to shut the hell up! I mean it was a great thing to say, really sweet and whatever, but I just had stomach surgury like a month ago and passed out for no reason again tonight, dont tell me I am looking great or whatever... tell me you want to hear what I have to say, or that I am genuine and actually care about people... I feel like so much gets lost on appearance and that I am the most overly sensitive person on the planet because I sit back and analize how everyone including myself falls into that trap... I do it too all the time and I hate myself for it, granted I dont ever really dislike or rule people out for their appearance, but I used to have a sort of reverse predjudice, ruling out the pretty people as being worth befriending... now you look at my friends and you wouldnt suppose that, come on look at my roomate... but still who are the pretty people anyways? What does that mean to you? I dont know what it means to me... I am trying to figure that out...

I have such problems with feeling judged and misunderstood and its funny because I get what I would have given my soul for all the time now as an adult; I get told that I am pretty, socially acceptable etc... but it makes me feel like I have to try to be that way and while I do want to have self confidence to a degree and take care of my appearance, that is not who I am at all and I dont want to be told that because a) I still won't believe you b) I want to be heard and not seen and c) it just reaffirms how shallow we really are all

I guess I just wonder if other people think about all this shit as much as I do... when you look at someone and hear what runs thru your head or comes out of someone elses mouth does it make you want to shoot them/yourself? does it make you sad for the person whom you are "sizing up"... do you ever wonder why we are all so damn hung up and cruel? I want to be a better person more than anything, and at the same time I want that acceptance and attention, even if its hallow and callous attention that doesnt really make me feel anything other than naked and empty... eh I just was really touched by a lot of stuff today I guess

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