I don't want to look back anymore
So I am once again in an empty room� for someone who loves to be alone I have become pretty resentful of Vanessa never wanting to be here, but its better than the cold, awkward silence and judged feeling that has come to overwhelm the room whenever we are both here� Anyways to fill in the silence I have been watching, well more like listening to the television far more than usual� I was just watching scrubs and this quote struck me like lightening �I fear I loose whatever I want too much�� well Mr. Zach Braff that makes two of us! I have been so restless and �homesick� lately� oh that ever enigmatic feeling that I�m always talking about but failing to actually define because it isn�t actual homesickness. I guess I feel this terrible emptiness all the time, the one that I choose to define as homesickness for lack of a better word, because I want to be taken care of, to be comforted etc. I am disappointed in myself; I was always told how mature I am, how I am so independent, how I had to grow up so fast, but when you come to realizations like this one you realize that you are no better than a needy little kid who resents having spent her actual childhood taking care of her mom who fell apart because her dad left them all alone with a 3 month old infant and a grandmother in a wheelchair� sometimes when I just get so overwhelmed I want more than anything to have a mom who comes in like other people�s parents (like Christine�s mom who always makes things better when Christine is really upset) and makes it all better� whenever my mom has attempted to be my �savior� i.e. last semester she just made things a million times worse and before I know it, I�m back at home, where I came from taking care of her! Damn it, I want to be taken care of for once, I guess I am also upset that I had so much optimism about my dad actually being an emotionally as well as financially supportive person� but nope I feel worse about myself because now I�m stuck relying on a person whom makes me grovel for everything and puts me down and makes me feel like a whiney little kid at every chance he can�. But at the end of the day after I have thought about how much I wish my parents treated me differently, I know it�s all me, all this negativity, feeling inferior, etc. it�s all in how I am not as emotionally mature as people have assumed all these years� Bury the hatchet, bury the hatchet� It�s all I want to do, why is it so much harder than I ever knew� I want to pick up and start over, I have become so accustomed to doing just that over the years� the problem is every time I re-route I always make the mistake of looking back�
I just wanted to edit this entry and say: I am so grateful for the people in my life who make me feel so loved, I am grateful to my parents as well, we are all only human even them. Jim, Jen and Christine thank you for making me feel so special this evening... Jim especially makes me feel so hopeful and so special I am in no way bereft of love in my life!