Fictional Villainy...
Tonight I was doing my usual routine and reading Marissa's LJ and freind's page to keep up with those people whom I love so dearly and talk to far too little... I guess the impetus was me watching Silence of the Lambs for the first time in my life on tv and thinking so much of Pete and Erica and babbling on and on to Jim about my quirky friends whom I miss so much. I really do talk about Drew people all the time, I didn't realize how much I took for granted all the wonderful experiences I shared there.
Anyways back to the original train of thought; I read Chris's LJ entry about family and how much we sometimes take them for granted and sometimes make villains out of people whom we shouldn't. It really really resounded with me so much; he wrote about getting financial assistance from family and how hard it can be to ask for help with that and then feel guilty afterwards for all that we are given. I always feel like I take too much and am too ungrateful, but I also need to let myself off the hook a little bit sometimes; if someone as inspiring as CVH can feel the same way about themselves, than maybe I really am too hard on myself. On certain issues however I am not hard enough on myself and I know that and would like to keep working on them; I am happy to go see my dad in August, dare I say excited, even despite the legal crap with my mom and Jake, I want to go and enjoy myself.
I think I should go back into counseling soon; I just keep putting off the call, mostly because I don't think I will find another Dina, but I don't think I need another Dina at this point in my life, just a power outside of myself to hold me accountable. I realize more and more in my relationship with Jim how much I have grown up in the past three years and also how much more growing I have left to do. I often think back on things with Sam and am grateful for how much I learned about myself there; I think about all the things he said when we finally called it quits and I took them to heart- I do have a lot of things that I need to fix before a relationship will ever be what I want it to be. I realize that I have issues with men- it sometimes is that simple, I guess its part of my issues with my dad and also just issues with the differences between the way i communicate and function and those of other people aka men. I think I should straighten that out a bit unless I intend on becoming a lesbian any time soon... which I don't.
I am signed up for a poetry class this summer session and I was rather dreading more class, I haven't had much of a break since well winter break, but I think it will be good for me. I got my grades back from last summer session and I was relieved that I got all a's- meaning i now have a 4.0 gpa at tech to maintain. I am also really enjoying painting and need to keep with the photography, especially now that I have a job. Having a job is always stress because i take my work home with me and am a perfectionist, thats why I am kind of glad that this isn't an involved job... that and the money will allow me to fly back to NJ and travel with jim etc without feeling guilty all the time.
I also watched dangerous minds tonight on tv and remembered how much that movie touched me when I first went to see it with my mom in middle school. I left the movie determined to be a teacher just like michelle phiffer's character... in the years since I have let people talk me out of that idealism. My aunt once told me I was too smart to waste myself on unapriciative school kids... that is her own problem with herself, not mine. I am an idealistic person and I am saddened by the fact that i push a lot of them aside to seem more palatable and passive to other people who do not share mine. I do not wish to ever push my ideas or even the sadness/ urgency I feel onto other people, but I also do not want them to judge me based on it. I am really feeling very much inspired to live a life that strives for something outside myself- it feels good to have convictions and to live by them- no matter how small they might seem. I want to do so many things... I am jumping out of my skin to do so many things... I have to move slowly and not loose sight of all these daydreams and ambitions because they are the things that bring hope and passion into my life...