Creative Unsettlings
It is 3am and I cannot sleep yet again. I have been having even more intense and disturbing dreams as of late, and its time I begin to record them and sort through all this muck in my head. I feel so restless and unsettled, there is so much I do not comprihend about myself, let alone the outside world. This is a dream journal of sorts, but I am sure the happenings of my waking life will also be purged out into the nothingness of cyberspace here in my little corner.
Where to possibly begin; this is for me therefore; the audience need not an introduction to the protagonist of this story. My dreams and my life are the culmination of my past and my future as I am constantly re-interpreting it... I am sure plenty will be divulged as I continue.
I guess I should begin with this evening:
I am so tired of the elections... politics never cease to tire me; I have no ideologies that can be fought in the political realm...
I am agitated by Bush as always and wish wholeheartedly that we could all just stage a Coup D'etat and put Nader in charge...
I had a long and chilling conversation with carrie about the "entities" that have been following her around and keeping her in a state of unrest since she moved into Brown. The more I hear, the more I believe in the things that haunt her... I have felt them too...
My life seems increasingly shallow and pointless, despite all my ambition and interests... I would much rather be asleep... but when I sleep I do not feel rested, I feel as though I am in an emotional battle with my subconcious.
My dreams have always been very vivid, as a child I was a sleep walker and acutely aware of the power my subconcious contained. Lately, my dreams have begun to be even more lucent and realistic, I still have the childish dreams of flight and fright, but mostly now my dreams are long and winding pertaining to people and emotions that haunt me. I have decided its time to write as many of them down as I can... about a week ago I had a particularly lucid dream that seemed so out of place.
I dreamt about pirates... I was stuck in an epic battle between the pirate ghosts and myself and my comrades. There were recognizable people in my dream, fighting alongside me... but there were also marginal characters who I could not place, but I had that feeling of familiarity and importance- kind of like a blurred face attatched to a familiar voice. This dream was particularly tied to my life here at school, the only person from home in the dream was a short appearance by my brother who had been captured by the pirates. I had been having many water dreams prior to this one, many of them centered around the vastness of the ocean and sometimes drowning... they also seemed tied into my job as an RA, as many of the water dreams have had my staff in them...
The pirate dream was so vivid, it was better than any epic blockbuster movie one could pay to see... the story line was not at all realistic, like many of my other recent dreams regarding my father and my family, but the urgency of the battle seemed very real and it stuck with me long after waking up.
The only other dreams of real importance to catch up on before I embark on this journal would be the ones regarding my father... they have been pretty constant lately.. since my grandmother passed away. Many of them are reconciliation dreams, where I cry and fight for his love, but others have been rejection and situations very similar to my past. Last night I dreamt that I was visiting him and Amanda, in a strange, yet familiar house, and he was angry with me about my emotional strife etc. I think he ended up comforting me in the end, and apologizing for having hurt me, but for most of the dream I was trying to hide from him and I was embarassed and edgey about my eating problems etc.
I am getting tired, I could go on forever about my dreams, I rarely ever wake up not remembering at least something from the night before.
I shall continue tomorrow, I wonder if tonight will bring anything worth writing about... if not I have plenty more to drudge up and spew out...